Grief Loss of a loved one

 I don't know why but I feel the need to talk about grief. This is such a not talked about thing and I am feeling the urgency to speak about it like it is a must so here goes. 
 I have noticed that a lot of people have been having friends or family pass away lately. (I know downer subject but needs to be addressed.) There are phases that people go through when experiencing grief. There is an initial feeling loss, sadness, anger, and denial that one goes through and, yes it is possible to feel all those things in one day, which for a lack of better terms makes us feel like we are crazy. At times shakes us to core testing our faith in everything not just spiritually. Essentially leading us to possible feelings of guilt or anger. The why did this have to happen to her/him? The questioning of our own understandings on whatever issues the person we are grieving for had or suffered through. Was it the medication? if only we were there for that minute would it have been different? was she/he alone? Did I make a difference? All these things accumulate and ferment growing inside leading us to a path of self destruction………. unless we take care of them and deal with them when we see them rear their ugly heads. Sometimes we may need the help of a Doctor or some type of therapist. 
 Believe it or not grief is a good thing it allows us the ability to come to terms with our loss and deal with any lingering loose ends and try to learn from them and start the healing process. A broken heart is never the same but the lessons we learn when we choose to look at how it has begun to mend we can take into the rest of our lives and apply them there so those same mis-steps are never taken again. I learned that this time. In 2002 when my grandfather died I ignored my gut feeling to go and visit him. I got a call at 6 am the next morning after having a dream that he passed that he did indeed pass away. February 12th 2018 I got a text message from my cousin stating my grandmother wasn’t doing well. I immediately had the feeling that I needed to be there. I went with my husband. We arrived around 9:30 am She passed away at 11:11 am with my husband and I in the room. The fact that it happened so fast took us all by surprise, my uncle didn’t even have the chance to come and see her. 
 Before she passed, I knew she was afraid because she had expressed this to me before she was sick because, we wasn't a believer due to what happened with my mom. (She passed 17 years ago this past January.) I was able to be there for her during her transition and I knew at that time she was no longer afraid because I was there and I let her know that her family was waiting for her. I felt her energy leave the room quite literally it was like a vacuum. Being there for her in that moment closed all those guilty feelings for me for those who went on before me. Yes I am sad that she is gone and I will miss her until I can see her again, but I know where she is. I know she loved me and my family and she was so very proud of me and all that I have accomplished so far. I am so glad for the lessons tha tshe taught me in love and life and for how much she loved my children. They were lucky to have had so much time with her. We are blessed that much is for sure. I know through Jesus Christ that we can and will be together again. I can not wait for that moment! What a blessing! For now though she is where she needs to be catching up with her family on the otherside of the veil. Hopefully I will dream of her soon. 

Mom's Hope

 

 

My mom is Carol. She was diagnosed with MS when she was 24 years old. She campaigned for awareness and to raise support and funds to research the cause and find a cure. Through all of this she was also raising a family. Myself and my brother Chris. She would sit outside stores selling carnations to those who were willing to help. She and my dad helped run bingos to raise money as well. When I was in elementary school every year they had the MS read-a-thon so I got on the bandwagon and did my part to help raise awareness. I was always one of the top money makers for my school and when my brother was able to do the read-a-thon he was also.

 

Through the years my mom did amazing things. Unfortunately my mom's MS was progressive (it never went into remission.) Finally when I was 11 years old she was admitted into the nursing home portion of St. Joseph's Health Center, because we couldn't care for her at home the way she needed. There, she became an advocate for patient rights, in the hospital. She rallied for those who did not have a voice. She loved swimming in the pool there, it was the only place where she had some control over her body. She also helped in the recreation dept. being the caller for their bingos. She always made it fun for everyone. From her B-FORE to her I'm 18 and I like it. She was always finding the funny in everything. She had so much to give in her character.

 

She had so much hope, I remember one day she called me at my house and was telling me when she got out of the hospital and had her own place that she was going to get her license and a car and drive. It took everything in my not to laugh when I was on the phone, because she had told me a couple of months earlier that they had taken her electric wheelchair away from her because she was running into things like walls and people and doors. Even though she had very little movement on her own she still did things, she went to concerts, movies, museums and her favorite place was the mall or bingo.  

While in the hospital she went through a divorce from my dad, the death of her father and favorite cousin Pam. Those 2 deaths were the hardest on her. Pam was her best friend and they were more like sisters then cousins and she was always daddies little girl. No matter how old you are when your parent dies it is one of the hardest things you will have to face as an adult.

 

Her favorite holiday was Christmas because that was when she got to come home for a few days and spend some time with her family. She always looked forward to that. It was always the happiest I would see her.

 

Christmas 1999 our last one together.

 

All that changed when she was told she had cancer in October of 2000. She still had hope for a cure for that and went in for tests to see how they could get it out, but all that died when they said there was nothing they could do because of her MS because that was affecting her breathing. My beautiful mother was dying and there was nothing anyone could do to help her. I had never seen her in such a state as she was, depressed, upset and would cry easily. My mom who had been so strong for so long was being beaten by her own body. It was hard to watch and, eventually her body turned yellow with jaundice, another sign that her body was working against her. Christmas that year was really hard. For the first time since she had gone into the hospital she was too sick to come home for Christmas. She was heartbroken and seriously pissed off. When I went in to see her the first words out of her mouth that I could understand in a long time were "I'm Mad!" It was a nice Christmas but not perfect. We all missed her being there and it just wasn't the same.

 

January 15th 2001 I got a call from her nurse, saying that she was going into a semi-coma. My Grandmother and I went up to the hospital and while we were there she made sure that we knew she was still there. The next day however was not as noticeable, as I was hugging her and kissing her forehead I told her "It's okay to go mom we will be okay, Grandpa is waiting for you. I love you." We left that night. The next morning around 6 am the phone rang. It was my mom's nurse telling me she was gone. "What time?" I remembered asking being numb. "around 5:45." I thanked her and went to call my family and let them know what was going on. January 17th 2001. I was 24, she was 48. That is a day I don't want to remember, or go through again.

 



 

I miss my mom so much it makes me sad that my kids don't know her, but I know through the restored gospel that they will, through the promises that were given to us through our prophet's that were called to serve on the earth. I am thankful everyday for the gospel and the role it has played in my life. I know it has saved my life more then once. I know that it will happen again and again. I see all the blessings in my life and this is one of them. In the name of Jesus Christ amen.

Light at the End of the Tunnel

With everything that has gone on since Friday December 14th, it is hard to ignore that we live in scary times. I had a conversation with my daughter Carolyn that I never wanted to have. I had to tell her before she saw the mess that was on the news. Almost every channel had what happened at Sandy Hook. I told her the facts which are 20 children, who were her age, and 6 adults were killed by a man who was very sick and needed help but hasn't gotten it. It is okay to be scared and sad. I am too. Then I told her that most likely it won't happen at your school but in case it does your teachers are trained to know what to do so stay calm and listen to them.

I thank God that I have my children everyday!! I hold them closer to me now knowing that this is a possibility anywhere. Carolyn just turned 7 so she is the same age as most of those kids and it breaks my heart to know that.

In the heart above there are 27 candles one for each of the children and staff and one for the mother of the young man who needed help, because she was a victim too. I saw the poem below on someone's facebook page and thought it was perfect in how to describe how I feel and how I know those children now feel, welcomed into the light safely home in Heavenly Fathers arms.

twas' 11 days before Christmas, around 9:38
when 20 beautiful children stormed through heaven's gate.
their smiles were contagious, their laughter filled the air.
they could hardly believe all the beauty they saw there.
they were filled with such joy, they didn't know what to say.

they remembered nothing of what had happened earlier that day.
"where are we?" asked a little girl, as quiet as a mouse.
"this is heaven." declared a small boy. "we're spending Christmas at God's house."
when what to their wondering eyes did appear,
but Jesus, their savior, the children gathered near.
He looked at them and smiled, and they smiled just the same.
then He opened His arms and He called them by name.
and in that moment was joy, that only heaven can bring
those children all flew into the arms of their King
and as they lingered in the warmth of His embrace,
one small girl turned and looked at Jesus' face.
and as if He could read all the questions she had
He gently whispered to her, "I'll take care of mom and dad."
then He looked down on earth, the world far below
He saw all of the hurt, the sorrow, and woe
then He closed His eyes and He outstretched His hand,
"Let My power and presence re-enter this land!"
"may this country be delivered from the hands of fools"
"I'm taking back my nation. I'm taking back my schools!"
then He and the children stood up without a sound.
"come now my children, let me show you around."
excitement filled the space, some skipped and some ran.
all displaying enthusiasm that only a small child can.
and i heard Him proclaim as He walked out of sight,
"in the midst of this darkness, I AM STILL THE LIGHT."

Written by Cameo Smith, Mt. Wolf, PA

My hope is that through all this tragic mess that conversations will take place that things will get fixed so that this won't happen again. There needs to be an open dialogue about the problem of mental illness not being treated with the respect it deserves. My hope it that this comes about there is such a need for it.

It is hard to see this as light but I say it is because it has opened the eyes of people who don't know to learn and start to care. Social media is great but communication and love for one another is what is needed to help our nation heal and learn to care for those who have issues like this one.